Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, town historically noted for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we're building them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully away from place. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A three-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")

In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have Yet another position exactly where American Adult men can use robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: provide Every person a suite to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with files Trump Tower Damascus printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly comfortable electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It can be that he need to cease making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You already know, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Great tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."

Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a aspect getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, labeled.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after discovering the building's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It is not simply ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes

Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium where visitors could contemplate imprecise disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Command established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Area Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They'll Occur"

The advertisement campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it might stabilize the area"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% stated "where's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"

The task is now attracting consideration from Intercontinental buyers, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may even include things like:

A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Eventually, a lodge the place my PTSD may have flip-down company."

Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews advise:

China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Remaining Feelings within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."